Enter the Matrix

The carbonated water matrix (note: I have never seen The Matrix)

Sometimes my creative-writing cup runneth over: ideas flow like water from the depths of my unknowable mind into the ether to be shared with you all. Other times, I need to compile some lukewarm takes into a years-old meme format. I present to you: the latter.

This chart of Good-Evil Carbonated Waters is purely subjective, but I will say that my opinions are correct and usually beyond reproach. The defence shall now present its evidence, from true nootch to the demonic hell of Limoncello LaCroix.

Neutral

Plain Perrier - This is the OG sparkling water, the Yuppie standby so rote it’s mentioned in a Smith’s song. Despite being owned by our evil overlords, Nestlé, I see this as the yardstick against which other carbonated water is measured.

San Pellegrino (in a glass bottle) - If you have upper-middle class parents, chances are there’s a bottle of this going flat in the door of their fridge. Slightly more classy than its canned counter part in the true neutral spot, it is sadly also produced by Nestlé. No ethical consumption, yadda yadda.

Aha - Kind of an underdog in the group, IMO. Aha’s got a good flavour range but lacks the gravitas to convey social position upon the person drinking it. I’ve never met someone who calls this their drink of choice, but I would certainly be intrigued by the freak who opts for this rando over anything else.

Good

Topo Chico - Sexy, hourglass-shaped bottle, an elegant label, Spanish name - Topo Chico fans are cool but not in-your-face about it. Coca-Cola bought this company in 2017 (flop) but they do make good hard seltzers so you can get dreezy on the topeezy cheezy. Sorry!

Blue Menu Sparkling Water - Let’s get some freakin’ Can-con in here. Your uncle has a case of these in the basement, just in case. Your mom was on a diet in 2009 and was mainlining the lemon flavour on the reg. Can we simultaneously want to tar and feather Galen Weston and enjoy a little Blue Menny on the rocks? I think so.

Barbet - $4 for a can of water? In this economy? Barbet slaps and has a sexy can but you gotta be a little cuckoo to justify buying these. Sometimes nothing else will satisfy my thirst for *checks notes* tart pink grapefruit and earthy juniper with a cheeky bite of fresh ginger.

Evil

Cherry Bubly - You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. I included the tall can version of Bubly because the format gives me the creeps in general, but I always single out individuals drinking this flavour in public so I can stay far, far away. The perfect drink if you love the taste of medicine and hate quenching thirst. DIS-GOSTANG!

Liquid Death - Oh, so you’re not like the other guys. You like drinking water that is also scary! And has a crazy label! Shouts out to Liquid Death for remaining independent , but the branding really says Warped Tour, Monroe piercing, etc. etc.

Limoncello LaCroix - I like LaCroix just as much as the next person who has spent most of their waking adult life in an office environment. Whoever invented this flavour needs to be sent to the Hague. What if you had LaCroix but viscous? Just get the lemon one and save yourself from this monstrosity. I’ve placed this in the lawful category out of respect for the good LaCroix name, but they are on thin ice.

This chart doesn’t include my personal favourite sparkly wawa, pineapple Bubly, because it’s a special perfect angel and doesn’t need to be qualified. I would love to hear your thoughts, readers. Happy hydrating!